1. “They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that’s why they hated me.”
2. “I am not crazy; my mother had me tested.”
3. “Hello, Penny. I realize you are currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges. But, as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?”
4. Sheldon: You’re not done with her, are you?
Leonard: Our babies will be smart AND beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.
5. Coffee’s out of the question. When I moved to California, I promised my mother that I wouldn’t start doing drugs.
6. “You know, I’m given to understand that there’s an entire city in Nevada designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. They can replace them with new problems, like alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases.”
7. “Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behavior. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled onto this?”
8. ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS, LIZARD, SPOCK: Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors
10. Sheldon: Why are you crying?
Penny: Because I’m stupid!
Sheldon: That’s no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.
11. Leonard: What were you doing at Penny’s?
Sheldon: Well, we had dinner, played some games, and then I spent the night. Oh, and you’ll be happy to know that I now have a much better understanding of ‘friends with benefits.’
12. Sheldon: At my age do you know how I’m statistically most likely to die?
Leonard: At the hands of your room mate?
Sheldon: An accident.
Leonard: That’s how I’m going to make it look.
13. Leonard: I’m just saying, you catch more flies with honey then with vinegar.
Sheldon: You catch even more with manure, what’s your point?
14. Howard: Hope you don’t mind, I told my girlfriend, Bernadette, she can join us for dinner.
Leonard: Sure, the more the merrier.
Sheldon: Wait, no. That’s a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there was 2000 people in this apartment right now, would we be celebrating? No, we’d be suffocating.
15. Sheldon: The entrance to the dungeon is a moss covered door. You manage to open it only to find yourself face-to-face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do?
Howard: I say, “Hey Ma, what’s for dinner?”
16. Sheldon: Howard?
Sheldon: Your shoes are delightful. Where did you get them?
Sheldon: Bazinga, I don’t care.
17. Sheldon: I need to sleep here tonight.
Sheldon: Howard is a total ass, Bernadette is in Penny’s bed, Amy bites and Penny may or may not have coitus with Leonard.
Rajesh: OK, come in.
18. THAT’S MY SPOT!!!
19. If you don’t mind, I’d like to stop listening to you and start talking.
20. Oh Gravity, thou art a heartless b*tch.